Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
