You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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