i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
