You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
