marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
