I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
