dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
