i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
