I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
