My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
True college students do jello shots in the library
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
