Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
