no, he came in my armpit
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
