my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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