Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
