I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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