i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
