You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
