i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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