FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
