i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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