You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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