Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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