I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She needs sedatives and a leash
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
