I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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