I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
