At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
