I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
