I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
