We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
