Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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