I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
