Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
