so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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