An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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