I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
