Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh god it's open bar.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
