Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
