My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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