Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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