I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
