Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
