I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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