Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
