my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
