just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
