Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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