conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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