apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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