the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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