Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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