I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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