What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
