i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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