how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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