His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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