took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
