wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
