they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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